What I've Been Thinking

A reader commented regarding yesterday’s Frank Mickadeit column asked, “What were you thinking, Jubal?”

An excellent and appropriate question.

I’ve been thinking about a number of things these past couple of weeks that I’ve been involved in Friends of Monsignor John. First off, I want to express again how sorry I am about posting the unredacted deposition and Memorandum of Understanding from the recent settlement, and ask the forgiveness of those victims whose names are in them. I posted the deposition so people could read it for themselves and draw their own conclusions, rather than rely on third-hand accounts – but I had no intention of making the names public. I didn’t say to myself, “Oh, it doesn’t matter that there are victims names in the depo.” Mentally, I just didn’t think about the names being in there. And the moment it was brought to my attention, I took it down.

I made a mistake and I am deeply, sincerely sorry for it.

Monsignor Urell is my pastor. He’s been there for me and my family when we’ve needed him, and when I learned he’d broken down and been hospitalized, I wanted to be there for him. That’s why I’m part of Friends of Monsignor Urell (and to clarify some misconceptions in the media, neither John Hanna or I founded the group, and we are the only active politicos in it).

But my involvement in the group doesn’t mean I am blind to Monsignor Urell’s role in the Diocese’s disastrous handling of sexual abuse cases. There were faithful, hurt Catholics who came to the Diocese for help and were treated as potential legal liabilities rather than members of the flock to be shepherded and cared for. And in my heart, I can’t account for that. It saddens and angers me they were treated that way, and I believe victims have every right to seek recompense from the Church and the Church has an obligation to make amends to victims of abuse by its clergy and employees. Unfortunately, it has generally taken the blunt instrument of media coverage and litigation for shake the various diocese into action and change, and it’s a shame that is so.

I’ve always felt horribly for victims of clergy sexual abuse, but I have a greater awareness of how these victims feel than I did a few weeks ago. And reading Monsignor Urell’s deposition made me more aware than ever that there but for the grace of God go I. I’m thankful that the priests I’ve known and have helped shape my life have been good and godly men. But the last few weeks have caused me to think more than ever before how my life could have turned out horribly different if it were wolves in clerical garb who had taken an interest in me instead.

I love Monsignor Urell for the great priest and pastor he has been at St. Norbert. But I struggle to reconcile that with his sins of omission and commission while in the Diocese hierarchy, because the Monsignor Urell I’ve read about in some newspaper articles and from victims’ accounts is so different from the pastor I have known. I struggle to reconcile those in my mind and understand why Monsignor Urell took the actions he did – or didn’t take, as the case may be.

But Msgr. Urell has accomplished a lot of good for a lot of people during his 25 plus years as a priest. That’s evident in the hundreds of people who have come forward to express their support for him in his time of trouble. Compassion for Msgr. Urell in his illness does not exclude also having compassion for sexual abuse victims. For me, I want Msgr. Urell to heal and recover so he can return to St. Norbert. And I also want him to return so he can make specific amends to those people to whom he needs to make amends, and seek forgiveness. I’m not sure how else Msgr. Urell and those victims he interacted with can achieve the healing they need.

Comments

[Democritic]

No doubt some people will find fault with what you've said here, Matt, since there's just no pleasing them. But I think this is an honest and good statement. Thanks.

[Joe Shaw]

Well said.

[killerjoe]

Don't be so hard on yerself. You seem like a fairly nice person.

[Karl Rove]

Jubal,

You have aquitted yourself very well here on the subject with your openess, honesty and sincerity. Well done!

Matt - you expressed this in a sincere way and it is clear what's in your heart. Don't be so critical of yourself. You took corrective action as soon as you were made aware and you've not ducked for cover. Hang in there.

[DP Resident]

Matt, thank you for taking the time to explain your side of the story.

Regarding the Monsignor - "Character is what you are in the dark". He may have done a lot of good for lot of people. When it came time to make the tough decisions, in his darkest hour, Monsignor Urell failed us all - REPEATEDLY. He had a chance to chose doing what was right by his religion, or what was good for the hierarchy of the church and his carrer. The Monsignor CHOSE to ignore his moral duty and stick by his political one. Now he should have to live with the consequences of his choice. This wasn't one or two mistakes by Urell, but a twenty year pattern of deception. Would a politician that made a similar mistake be allowed to continue to serve? If he truly wants to make amends for his sins, let him serve god in a diocese that would be a little more demanding than one in Orange County. To the Monsignor's credit, when caught he apologized. It would have meant so much more if he had been the one to expose the sins of the church.

[observer]

Well done. That took guts.

[Survivor]

Matt -

You have always had the right to support whom you choose. It was PUBLIC support of Urell that upset so many of us so much, as well as the repeated "beating up" of survivors on your site.

Can you imagine how many of us must have felt, to have suffered for so long, to only get revictimized on your site and then get "outed."

On my own behalf, I accept your apology, but now it is time to decide how to move forward. I think that talking to some victims would be a good start. Maybe post this apology somewhere else where other survivors will see it.

Maybe now is a time to read more of the documents in these cases - especially those from Mater Dei.

Maybe it is time to disclose where you got the unredacted documents, so that the survivors can make sure that they will not be "outed" again.

Hopefully, next time when faced with this kind of situation, you will remember the expense and the price paid by the victims when you publicly supported Urell.

[Forgiveness]

Jubal, I have read your blog for quite some time and I respect you tremendously. You are a logical, rationale person that deserves my respect. Though I am not a victim, I forgive you for your sincere and genuine apology. You are a classy, genuine human being and if you were not a sincere person, your true being would have been exposed by now by all "politicos." We all make mistakes...meaning not something that was done intentional, but unintentional. I believe your sincere apology, and will continue to read and look forward to reading this spectacular blog. As long as you have learned from your mistakes, which I firmly believe you have, then you deserve forgiveness. God bless you!

[Dismas]

Survivor:

I don't remember Jubal/Matt ever "beating up" on survivors. Don't convict him of sins he hasn't committed.

[Joelle Casteix]

Matt,

It does take courage to stand up and admit wrongdoing, but I believe that this should just be a first step for you.

Your actions caused a tremendous amount of pain. How are you going to make amends for them? Saying "I'm sorry" is great, but I believe accountablity should be your goal now.

I agree with Survivor - you should tell who gave you those unredacted documents. I think a meeting with survivors of clergy sexual abuse will be very enlightening for you as well.

[just asking]

Matt,

As a practicing Catholic I understand how hard it is to acknowledge our shortcomings, but also how important it is for us to speak to them and move on. Non-catholics don't understand the power of confession and thats ok, but those of us who do understand commend you and your courage to face the situation.

Your assessment of the diocese leaders reflects how so many faithful feel. You very eloquently stated the struggles many of us have balancing the good people vs. the bad actions of our institutions.

Thank you again for your courage, the time is always right to do the right thing.

[hrh]

Good golly, Ms Molly, I haven't experienced so many Kool-Aid drinkers in one place since Jonestown.

[south oc gal]

Jubal, I think your response and statement is sincere and thoughtful. Since you're not an attorney, I wouldn't expect you to know that you should redact anything before releasing it. You took immediate and appropriate steps to correct your mistake. I think your due diligence is done.

And FWIW, if it was revealed that the pastor at my local church was involved in a sex abuse scandal, I would be shocked and hurt, probably like you were. But, like you, I would support him - because that's not the pastor that I know either. While I wouldn't glaze over what happened, I'd support him getting the help he needs now to move forward for him, the church and most of all, the victims. As a person of faith, I don't believe that holding on to negative thoughts and feelings helps in the overall healing process. I hope everyone involved finds the peace they so deserve.

[Benedict XVIth]

www.bishop-accountability.org/abusetracker

[Sarah]

I applaud your kind and compassionate statement. It does seem that you had no ill will toward the survivors.

However, it must be said that whoever gave you the unredacted documents did have ill will toward the survivors and used you and your blog to pour salt on the wounds of injured people.

Perhaps you will think about identifying the person or persons who fed you those documents. They need healing too.

[Debby Bodkin]

Your apology is admirable; however, it is time to reveal who gave you the confidential documents, with total disregard for the names of sex abuse victims requesting confidentiality.

Bishop Brown, the Diocesan General Counsel and defense attorneys have REFUSED to publicly name past and present sexual predators. Yet, someone very close to the Diocese had no problem handing you confidential names of sex abuse victims.

As parents, we have the right to protect our children from sexual predators who have been protected by religious institutions and twisted attorneys. Too many mistakes have been made in the past and if the Diocese can hand you confidential docs, then the Diocese can legally name sexual predators that were never reported to law enforcement, social services or parents.

It is time to make things right.... and stop history from repeating itself. Please assist in efforts to correct wrongs that destroyed lives. Thank you.

[Dismas]

He apologizes, gives a heart-felt account of his conflicted feelings regarding his pastor, and it is still not enough? Honestly, what does it matter where he got the deposition? The response of some of these commenters indicates little desire to heal and forgive, and more interest in dragging this episode out even longer.

[Dismas]

He apologizes, gives a heart-felt account of his conflicted feelings regarding his pastor, and it is still not enough? Honestly, what does it matter where he got the deposition? The response of some of these commenters indicates little desire to heal and forgive, and more interest in dragging this episode out even longer.

[Survivor]

Dismas -

You confuse forgiveness and accountability. For example: you can forgive the man who steals your car, but he is still accountable to the law.

Matt's disclosure of the deposition source will not only show that he wants to make amends for what he did, but also ensure that such unredacted names will not be leaked again. THAT fosters healing.

Forgiveness does not give someone a free pass - or create a situation where something like this could happen again.

It is in Matt's hands as to whether or not the "situation" will drag out longer. He can end it right now - I encourage him to do the right thing.

[DP Resident]

"..what does it matter where he got the deposition?" It matters a great deal! By knowing WHO gave Matt the deposition, you may gain insight into WHY it was given to Matt. Was it really an innocent mistake, or was Matt being used by someone with less than honorable intentions.

The response by some of these commentators indicates their desire to once again bury their heads as well as the truth. If we are suppose to put faith in the church, can't the church put faith in us? Give us ALL the evidence, and then let us judge for ourselves the extent of the wrongdoing.

[Debby Bodkin]

It appears that the patterns of abuse are continuing in the Diocese of Orange. Most likely, Matt was USED as a PR tool for the wealthy and influential Diocese of Orange, its General Counsel and defense attorneys.

Matt won't be the first Catholic used and definitely won't be the last. The faithful in OC have supported Bishop Brown's efforts in settling $100 million of clergy abuse lawsuits and were used again in supporting the most recent 4 sex abuse lawsuits filed against lay employees of the Diocese of Orange. USED is what the Diocese of Orange and its attorneys to best... use anyone, families, Judges, attorneys, government and law enforcement officials to PROTECT it from scandal and humiliation.

Matt, support Mon. Urell with friendship and love... but don't let the Diocese of Orange attorneys cloud your faith and betray your trust. This is why it is important to reveal who gave you those documents... self-serving motives and self-serving prophecies of those with intent to USE the faithful.

[Dismas]

I'm trying to figure out how Jubal/Matt saying where he got the deposition will "prevent" this from happening again? Is Matt going to post it again? No. Does him revealing where he got the unredacted depo prevent it from ever being published again? No. Does anyone in their right minf think someone else would publish it? No.

Forgiveness means forgiveness. It doesn't mean, "I forgive you but not really, so you still have to jump through all these hoops for me." That's no any kind of forgiveness I've ever heard of. And these appeals for "accountability" are starting to sound like attempt to find a new target.

[Dismas]

Excuse the typos.

[just...asking]

Matt has offered what seems like a very sincere apology to those victims he may have hurt by the outing of their names. I hope the victims will be able to accept the apology and move on.

That said, I too believe that Matt needs to disclose source of the private documents. If this is traced back to the Diocese or Attorney's for the Church it would smell of a conspiracy. Faithful who continue to support our church need to know if our leaders continue to hurt innocent victims. For so many of us, nothing has ever tested our faith as much as these events.